


Matters of the Heart and a Gun

by GenuineSoftBoy



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: M/M, and after Domino Effect, emotional catharsis, set during season of the worthy, sorry for publishing shit out of order forever lmao, this happens right before Nightfalls Waltz, two pining idiots are forced to confession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25425796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenuineSoftBoy/pseuds/GenuineSoftBoy
Summary: Shin Malphur and the Drifter meet up for one last rendezvous before going their separate ways to fight the Darkness until a certain Guardian gets the wrong idea and comes crashing the party. Misunderstandings are cleared up. Drinks are had. The right wrong things are said.
Relationships: The Drifter/Guardian (Destiny)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Matters of the Heart and a Gun

**Author's Note:**

> Watch as two fully grown men need to have the world's most famous gunman point out how stupid they are before they actually admit they have Feelings

It would be the final time. The last time. Neither one of them addressed it directly as such, not yet, but they both showed up with the promise of the end inside of them. The transaction took place in the Tower still, late at night, the rare meandering Guardian blind to the shadows and the work they carried out. Holopads and glimmer exchanged hands first in silence. There was nothing yet to say that couldn’t be said in the reports they skimmed over, catching well placed words and VIP numbers in the transcripts they read. Then, more payment. Ghost shells in heavy bags. Artifacts with no names wrapped in paper. Then more reading, more silent consumption of leaked documents. It was out of necessity to verify the information and out of pure selfish hunger for answers. 

Drifter rolled the toothpick in his mouth, thumbing over a wall of text quickly before swiping the screen shut on the holopad, satisfied with his findings. He slapped it impatiently against his palm as the cloaked figure across from him continued to read from his own, face barely lit up by the blue light pouring from it.

“Your eyes goin’ or something, brother?”

Shin blinked. He looked at the holopad in his hand as though in surprise and when it’s light extinguished, so did the glimpse of his face it provided. “You don’t have anywhere else to be.” He replied dryly. Drifter kicked at the ground.

“I’m a busy man in case you got your memory goin’ too.” Drifter tapped his temple and then started to walk, kick starting the rest of the night on his own accord. “C’mon, fill me in. I know you’re still good for something.”

Shin stared at the Drifter’s hunched shoulders as though thinking through a response but eventually, he pushed himself deeper into the shadows of the Tower and followed in time, their footsteps quickly falling into pattern. Any eyes, no matter how keen or wandering, would only see one pariah walking by his lonesome and talking to himself. And nowadays, most Guardians weren’t so keen on sidling you beside him. A break from the restless energies of Guardians swarming his shop was fine in theory, deadly in practice.

The hunter and the hunted walked as they had for months now. Things had changed since their fast meeting. People had died. Plans hastily rewrote themselves in the gunshots of battles. But both were old enough to keep their necks stubbornly stretched towards a singular point in the far off future, a light that grew brighter with every passing day. They both accepted they might never reach that light. Sometimes they were grateful in the peace they wouldn’t. 

They talked about a number of things. They talked about the Vanguard and the broken things that could not be fixed. They discussed the Praxic Order and the leaked documents in their hands and what they promised to bring about. They talked about the newborn things on the Moon, the pale blue eyes of the Nine watching all the time, both things too big to talk about succinctly so they spoke in metaphors and poetry until it was easy enough to digest the hell they were walking through. They discussed the shape of their final paths, talking around the bend in the road that would set them apart until they fell into a miserable quiet. And, eventually, they walked off course into a comfortable spot of conversation, one last effort to end things on a less dour note.

“Gonna be a different frontier without you breathing down everyone’s necks all the time. Retirement just don’t suit you.” Drifter commented wryly. Shin knew how to decipher his cocky language.

“You should be fine. Even if I was as out of touch as you imply I’m getting, you are certainly not in bad company. I know the Guardian is keeping you safe...for the time being.”

“Funny you mention him. Lemme guess; he’s got eyes on him. Again.”

Shin nodded, the faceless hood bobbing in the dark of the Drifter’s eyes. “A lot of eyes. Even in the midst of all this, what’s coming. It’s different from the last time though; I don’t need to step in. Seems he’s been treating you very well though.”

The Drifter actually gave a smirk at that, breaking through the tense lines on his face. “Kid’s always treated me alright. Nothing new. He’s just... making waves now with it. Helping out that old boat now and still conquering Gambit like a new Light. Got a fire under his ass I think with that cataclysm coming down on top of us.”

“It’s understandable.” Shin looked up and squinted at the moon, wondering if the shadows he saw across it came from the Almighty. “You are preparing to title him again. A different one. I don’t hear Guardians with this one too often.”

“Yeah, ha. Woof. I gotta say, I don’t hand that one around like it’s nothin’. It’s a bit, ah, personal. Had to fork it over with the work he was putting in though.” Drifter spat on the sidewalk. “Shucks, guess it shouldn’t surprise me he’d turn around and be a Reckoner. Man’s a walking apocalypse in his own right. Glad he’s on our side, huh?”

Shin didn’t answer, seeming to be lost in thought, chin in his gloved hand, disappeared in the shadow of his hood. “...He’s really your favorite show dog now.” He eventually said slowly, as though stunned by the revelation coming upon him.

Drifter shrugged, ignoring the significance of the remark. “What can I say? Hero of the Red War. Slayer of all those barons. Ahamkara executioner. Now he’s resurrected a war hero from the dirt in between everything else. You’d think with all these groupies he’s got he’d catch wise on stickin’ around me. But...heh, maybe he’s just a psycho like everyone else. Don’t matter so long as it keeps me rich and insulated.”

They continued to snake their way along the empty Tower crevices, for a moment falling into the nostalgia of it being their last walk, staring at the pavement under their feet that had become so familiar to them both. 

Shin kept careful mind of the footsteps following them, the soft shoed shuffle that had appeared only three minutes ago or so.

“Are you going to tell him about where things are headed, what you got your eyes on?” Shin paused. “Where you’re going?”

Drifter turned to face him, scowling, slowing in his pace. “Whoa whoa whoa. Why? You think he’s gonna go haywire without me in that damned hallway? I know I said he’s psycho but he’s honestly normal compared to most of the freaks in this Tower. You should know; I know what you’ve hunted. He’ll be fine without Ol’ Drifter for a little while. Trust.”

“Will you?”

“The hell’s that supposed to mean? I don’t need your sass. You keen on him now or somethin’?”

Shin blended into the wall so well, when Drifter turned to face him, he thought he might have been given the slip until the shadows replied. “Men like us don’t have friends is all I’m saying.”

Drifter chewed on his bottom lip. “Well...he ain’t that. I can say that as much.” He said half to himself as he stared at his grimy nails. Shin smiled somewhere in the shadows unseen.

The rest of the walk was cased in a heavy silence, snaking slowly through the motions until they reached the bottom of the annex, the cold overhead lights doing little to cut through the darkness as they stepped into the Drifter’s gambit space. Shin wandered his way inside, staring at the collection of discarded Cabal armor, destroyed Fallen skiff parts, and other accessories Drifter kept around. His hand ran across the frost of a bank that sat unlit in the back of the room. A long streak was left from where he touched.

Drifter swore and Shin made his way back to the front of the room, watching as Drifter tore apart a weapon’s case until his eyes shone with success. Drifter pulled out a wrapped parcel and moved his way back in front of Shin, slowly unwrapping the twine.

“Gonna miss any of this?” Shin asked.

“Hell no.”

Drifter eye’s trailed up and the two shared a dry smile and a contended nod. Drifter slapped Shin’s waiting extended palm and left a transmat in his hand, a Gambit coin face down on the screen. “Should getcha where you need to go. All goes well? I never wanna see your ugly mug again, got it?”

“Loud and clear, Germaine.” Shin pocketed the radio and coin without checking either. “I hope your bet on the Guardian pans out. I won’t hesitate to put myself back in the narrative again if things fall flat.” 

“Leave it. You’ve got bigger fish to fry now, brother.” Drifter fiddled with a jade coin, rolling it between his knuckles. “Don’t know why you’re stuck on this of all things.”

“It shouldn’t surprise you. He’s never truly embraced the greyness that resides in him. It’s not like you to find purchase in someone like him.” Shin silently counts the seconds in his head, timing his breath to the footsteps that slowly circled towards the entrance.

“No need to get uppity. Guardian’s almost run himself into the ground with how hard he walks that line. It don’t come easy to him to play both sides. I kinda prefer that, if we’re honest. He likes to be...loyal to somethin’, ride or die.” Drifter restlessly ran a hand back through his hair before thumbing his headband back over his forehead. “I can damn near guarantee you we ain’t got to keep an eye on him strayin’ anymore. The kid’s smart as a whip and hurts just as bad. Soxkt’s got that kinda mind that can see this damn game inside out, too smart for his own good, he’s gonna be what I need to survive-”

Drifter stopped as hard and fast as a sparrow crash, eyes moons in his head. Shin could see the haggard whites of them even in the dim lights and where they were fixed suddenly behind him, the Drifter’s mounting excitement put on ice. 

Shin almost couldn’t hear the barely whispered voice as the familiar sound of a familiar gun clicked behind his head. 

“...And he’s...behind you.”

Shin smiled for the Drifter to see for the first time that night. His hunch was right. The presence following them was exactly who he hoped to meet. He took the moment to take in Drifter’s rare lack of composure, gloating in it. It seemed his cohort wasn’t as much on the uptake as he had assumed he might be. Sometimes, distance from a person came with more knowledge. 

“You were saying about his loyalty?” He commented in a low voice, slowly lifting his hands, palms up. Drifter didn’t even look at him, still targeted over his shoulder. 

“Soxkt…” Drifter spoke softly, like a wild animal had its jaws at his throat, raising his own hands as though to placate. Shin wondered what expression the Warlock must be wearing behind him to garner such a response. He could only imagine. “You...you need to put the gun down now, alright?” Drifter continued futilely. “Just nice and easy, then-“

The Guardian did something Shin did not expect.

He spoke.

“Drifter. It’s-it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Shin’s eyebrows jumped to his hairline. There was a lot to unpack there and the way Drifter’s face slackened in stunned silence was proof enough that despite previous assurance, the con man was still not without his own personal doubts. Even never meeting him, he knew that the Hero of the Tower did not speak lightly, if at all. The moment dragged on, neither of the human men looking to want to be the first to break it. Shin glanced over Drifter. His nerves had been shattered far too fast. He might do something drastic. So he spoke up first instead, louder this time for both to hear. 

“You also said he didn’t speak.” Shin moved slowly, turning in a circle, hands still up, facing the Warlock with a smile. 

“I guess you have a way of making people talk, you bastard.” Drifter remarked without any bite behind him, pressing himself against the bars behind him.

“I don’t think it’s me doing that, brother. It’s good to meet you face to face, Soxkt. I always hoped we would meet though not under such circumstances.”

The Malfeasance was aimed inches from his face but Shin looked through it. He could see the beads of sweat on Soxkt’s furrowed blue brow under the fluorescent lights. He was casually dressed in jeans and a hooded jacket but the snarl of his jaw and the way he held himself was all the armor he needed. His resolve was more than any army he could have brought with him.

Shin drew his eyes back to the gun. Soxkt’s hand was trembling, though minuscule at best. Shin bit the inside of his cheek. The Guardian wasn’t going to shoot him but that didn’t mean he was free to walk so easily. He had made a choice here. It was to be...respected.

Shin lifted his chin high. “You know that won’t kill me, not yours alone, no matter how strong you pride yourself on being. And you know I will win our stand off once you go for that trigger. Does that change your mind on your next action?”

Soxkt didn’t move. His silence was a resounding answer. 

“What a tragedy if your life were to end now. There is so much to come for you to answer to. But...you’ve resolved that someday you might have to take this step already. You knew from the moment you sided with him.” Shin inched his foot forward, the muzzle of the gun almost pressing into his neck. Soxkt didn’t move. His Ghost did appear however, shelled in red and gold. A bold choice to bring out his Light in such easy range.

The Ghost began to talk carefully, speaking as Drifter did, facing down a beast of his own. “Shin...please. Listen. We-we want to make a deal with you. Find a logical compromise.”

“A deal? Hm. I’m not known for taking those. Why don’t I just scorch you out of the air now for this transgression? You’ve clearly been tainted by the Dark yourself to not even go against your Guardian’s actions.”

The shell shook like a leaf. “You could shoot me if you wanted to. I wouldn’t stop you. Just...just hear us out first before you do anything. Please.”

Soxkt wet his lips. “Your Golden Gun...you have three shots. I know that is how you take your targets down. Two for him, one for his Ghost.” He had a good voice, strong, deeper than expected. He inhaled deep before continuing. “Let me take one of them. One shot.”

Shin wanted to laugh with delighted surprise. but then the test would be over. He heard Drifter startle behind him and try to break in, try to put an end to this game. Shin spoke over him easily before he could.

“Interesting. Why not take all of them if you’re so desperate to defend the life of a murderer?” He twitched his fingers and he knew Soxkt caught the movement.

Soxkt took a rattling breath that shook his chest. “He...he needs me alive. I need him alive too. And if I can work with you to let us both walk out of here-“

“You are a fool for thinking I’d get this far without letting my judgment be passed! If I came here to finish the job, it will be done. No matter who tries to impede me.”

Soxkt swallowed loudly. Fear was creeping through his anger but he held steady like a wall apart from that miniscule tremble still in his hand. “Maybe. But I...I have to try. I read your notes. I know there is more...more to your logic than this.”

“Do you think to know me, Soxkt?”

“I know I proved myself somehow. So I-I know he...he can too.” Soxkt met Shin’s eyes again and they were pleading with him. “He’s...he’s good, Shin Malphur. We both are. I know this.”

“Can you honestly say that, knowing what he’s done, the blood that trails behind him?”

“Yes.” The answer came faster than he expected. Shin was duly impressed. With slow, deliberate movements, he unholstered his gun. The Ghost shook so hard in the air next to his charge, he could feel the vibrations of it’s tiny Light quaking from where he stood. The two were quiet but he figured there was a second conversation going on he was unaware of between them. He waited, patient. For the gun to drop, for the trigger to quiver, anything.

“Then...just take me instead. Let my faith in him mean something. Let me fall and let him rise in my stead.” Soxkt tried his best to speak calmly, to relax his face, but he had never been down the barrel of an end he wanted less. Shin could tell. He would die with regret, with sorrow, no hope of peace wherever his spirit went to next. And yet he was resolved to his unhappy end and forced it to conform to the shape of his chosen fate. He knew it was not his destiny to fall here and but like the shell shocked rogue Shin had at his back, the Guardian was paracasual as in all things and faced his doom as though he was born to it.

Soxkt was very well versed at lying to himself.

Shin’s hands fell to his sides and the one not lazily holding to his gun pushed into his pocket. He moved to lean against the railings, head low, dropping the air around him. “Would you disarm him, brother? Put this charade to rest. I think he’s done just fine.”

Soxkt stared as the Drifter stepped forward, gently pulling the Malfeasance from his hand. His fingers were clenched so tightly around it, Shin watched as Drifter worked to ease each one loose. The skin was red and cut deep from the grip pressing in.

As soon as Drifter pulled the gun from his grasp fully, the tremble in the Guardian’s hand seemed to travel up his arm and through his whole body. Tears welled in his golden eyes and it was as though he seemed to physically shrink down to man-size again from his larger than life form. Shin smiled slightly. What a sensitive man. All the tightly held rage dissolved into the terror he must’ve been biting back this whole time. His Ghost dissipated through his back and the annex filled with breath again as a collective sigh was released.

Shin politely averted his gaze as Soxkt collapsed forward against Drifter, the rogue freezing as he was clung to. Soxkt’s knees had given way. The Drifter hesitated, shooting Shin a glance, before holstering the Taken gun and holding Soxkt in a vice grip against him. Shin let his gaze wander back over to see a relief as pure and clear as spring water on Drifter’s rugged face. Soxkt, meanwhile, was staring at him.

“W-what is g-going on? What is h-happening?” He stammered into Drifter’s shoulder. The poor boy. His teeth were chattering. 

Drifter hushed him like a child, rubbing his back comfortingly. “Shhh, s’alright. I can explain that in due time but everything’s okay right now, trust.”

“Why isn’t he k-killing you? Why aren’t you dead, Drifter?” Soxkt’s fingers dug in deep to his back.

Drifter tried a smile, resuming his typical charming drawl. “Why? You want him to try? Heh, always knew you’d turn on me.”

“That’s not funny.” Soxkt buried himself deeper into the crook of his shoulder. His eyes fluttered shut for a moment as he breathed in. Only a crease of yellow eye peeked at Shin when they opened again. “I...I don’t understand anything.”

“I know honey. But no ones gettin’ my Ghost, not tonight at least. That’s what matters. The rest is just...fluff.” Drifter was holding him just as tight, even though Soxkt’s legs had strengthened again and he stood up of his own accord. 

“I think,” Shin piped up, holstering his own gun to his hip before crossing his arms. “Your beau needs a drink and some commendations. He did a very brave act for you just now.” 

“Stupid too.” Drifter muttered and now Shin could see that his relief was tightening back to a grim realization on his face. He shook his head gruffly as though to dissipate it and gently untangled himself from his lover’s arms. “Come on. Derelict’s always open and happy hour is...well, it’s always somewhere ain’t it?”

…

It was quite the precession the rogue and the Guardian made hurtling themselves on to the Derelict, with the gunman respectfully hovering behind them all the while. Shin enjoyed every second of the show they put on together as they made their way to the shipping crate Drifter called home. Soxkt was stiff moving and Drifter walked him to his bedside like a mannequin, easing him to sit down and pushing an empty glass into his unresponsive hands. Shin made himself comfortable on a stool and busied himself with a loose mote swiped from the deck of the ship. It was fading fast and he could see his gloved fingers through it like frosted glass. His attention was drawn back to the present as Drifter dropped a full cup next to him on top of a stack of bank plans. Shin sniffed the alcohol with a grimace as Drifter made himself comfortable next to the Guardian, polishing off his own drink in one clean swallow before filling Soxkt’s cup. 

Shin took a swig and coughed. “Alright. Where do we start?”

It was a long night and Soxkt sat still through it all. Shin wondered for a moment if the kid was even paying attention but he watched the Awoken man’s eyes skitter back and forth as they talked, gears turning. It was a lot to unpack; each rogue had a story to tell, plans over plans to unwrap. Soxkt was privy to a lot of things but it was a matter now of adjusting perspective on it all, pulling away the translucent curtains that colored his perceptions. Shin detailed his story with a cold sense of urgency. Drifter waxed and waned in his, soothing when he could spare such a feeling, but mostly haggard. Recounting such old tales brought both men back to the cusp of exhaustion, reminding themselves of the weights they carried. By the time they ran out of words to speak, the bottle of alcohol was halfway emptied between them.

Once the silence between all three began to become comfortable, Soxkt suddenly tipped his drink back and set the glass atop his thighs to balance. He stared at Shin and signed. “How many other people know this?”

“I’m sure a handful do. Either by putting pieces together on their own or by following my notes and tapes.”

Soxkt glared at nothing in particular, restlessly roaming his gaze around the cluttered space. “I’m so stupid.” His hands signed. 

“No. I know your attention is typically drawn to more important things in our system. Your work never ends. I do not blame you for simply putting our treatise into the back of your mind and hoping to never see it come to fruition. I was only one part of the apocalypse you deal with.”

Drifter rested a hand against Soxkt’s wrist. “Ain't no reason to make this ‘bout your mind. I don’t much care for boasting but the two of us are professionals at getting by. If we didn’t want you Lights putting two and two together so fast, that’s what’s gonna happen. No shame in getting a little played.”

Soxkt found purchase for his glare on the hand touching his wrist. “You...gave me so much needless fear.” He said slowly, addressing the hand more than Drifter. “I thought… and with Malfeasance…was all that really necessary to put me through?”

“I know, trust me, I know. But I didn’t have a choice, we didn’t have a choice. I had your whole clan working on this gun on and off and a heluva lot of people outside of it too. If even one of you knew, one of you yapped, I was done. This whole scam was done! And then, Starlight, I woulda been in real hot water. Trust.”

“Not to even speak of everyone running around with one of these guns now. Stories spread fast. Rumors already circulate you’ve become his favorite because of the gun and that’s with the two of you trying to maintain some semblance of secrecy with...this.” Shin leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “You have many Shadows on your tail. I can promise that. Worse comes to worse, if you came under the wrong knife and knew something you shouldn’t…”

The silence that dragged on was weighed heavier than the gunman intended. The Drifter’s brow was lined harshly with worry and for a moment, he almost seemed to look regretful, as though he had the right to feel such a thing at all.

“So you don’t...hate each other then.” Soxkt said slowly into the silence. He spoke like a child not in his tone but in his cadene, glancing at Drifter as though searching for permission to use his voice. Though his voice was real in its strength, it danced with the awkwardness of the typically silent.

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Drifter smirked, idly resting his hand on the Guardian’s thigh, tapping his finger twice in silent acknowledgment to an unspoken question.

Shin scowled at the suspicious look that answer got him from the Guardian. “Ignore him. We are amiable with one another which is rare in people of our age.”

Drifter nodded. “Right. Kid’s got an old timer in his clan. He knows the kinda baggage we walk around with.” He chuckled shortly, mind drawn to a face in his mind. “It’s a hoot watching him try to fit in with this new age dogma though, just like you.”

“We’ve all been forced to adapt to accommodate the now times.”

“Sure. But old dogs learning new tricks? I don’t know, brother. Don’t think we got it in us.”

Soxkt’s gaze moved lazily between them as they talked before resting back on Shin. “His name is Sigurd. He...he will be upset he did not get to meet you.”

“He should consider it a sign of a well walked path that he hasn’t. And if he’s as old as us, all the more impressive he has stayed on it.”

Drifter and Soxkt shared a look and silently agreed to not bring up the subject of Sigurd’s checkered past. Drifter sighed and polished off what remained in his glass.

“It was only by your sneaking we met you tonight at all, after all.” Shin continued, eyeballing the liquor’s levels as Drifter topped himself off again, who stopped mid pour to glare daggers at the guilty looking Guardian beside him attempting to hide in his own glass.

“Hey, that’s a good point. The hell were you doing skulking around like a Hunter this late?” Drifter interrogated.

“I was...late finishing some recon in the Dreaming City. Wanted to come say...goodnight. Found you eventually but you were with someone and...I got a bad feeling.” Soxkt stared at the floor sheepishly as he mumbled his way through an excuse.

“Your instincts are honed well in that case. Not many Guardians get the blessing of that kind of practice. Your Ghost seemed well trained too tonight.”

Soxkt sat up a bit straighter at that, pride in his smile. “He has always been...very accommodating to my...way of thinking.”

“Make sure he is commended for tonight as well. Though no one’s plan, I am grateful for the opportunity to see you both. It puts a few matters at rest in my mind to see how you both behaved tonight.

Drifter narrowed his eyes at the praise being handed out so casually. “I’m not sure I like knowin’ you’re a natural at sneaking around.” He grumbled, driving Soxkt back into a guilty corner.

“Muscle memory.”

“Sure. Got nothin’ to do with the fact you collect Hunter friends like cards?”

“I’d be a lot better with a knife...if that was true.”

The three of them chuckled quietly, dissipating the lasts of the ghosts that still hovered over their shoulders for at least a little while.

Shin’s face became serious again quickly however. “I should tell you while I have the fortune to tell you to your face then. The Reef is speaking of you again, though not for your heroics this time. I don’t think it’s of any surprise to you that you were once one of them. Maybe even a little significant.” He paused, watching Soxkt eventually lower his head in melancholy recognition. “I figured. Then listen carefully; the past may fall into your lap soon as they work towards a task of... mounting importance. Whether you accept it or not is up to you but don’t let them bind you to anything. You should not let them define who you are based on what you were. You can disagree but the Vanguard has it’s code for a reason regarding the past. The Traveler made it so debts go unpaid even in death.”

Soxkt stared down into his drink with a lost expression as Drifter snorted. “That’s the problem with those folk- live way too damn long. Remember too much.”

Shin cocked an eyebrow. “What do we do then?”

“Ain’t sayin’ we don’t too. Just sayin’ they bug the hell out of me. Them and their damn Queen. You don’t see me calling in too many favors. We all had to save a life or two, play hero once or twice. Doesn’t mean we are tied down to anything or anyone.”

Soxkt signed quickly before the Drifter’s rant could go on much longer, “Can you really not tell me anything before they approach me?”

Shin shook his head. “It is not my place. I don’t want to stir anything up now in hopes they are wise and refrain from telling you. With what is to come, I would not want your attention divided. The Vanguard would be on my case more than I need if I breathed a word anyways. They see you as a special asset. I wouldn’t want to put you in any kind of moral jeopardy right before they call on you again.”

The Guardian swallowed and remained quiet. Drifter peered at him before roughly jostling Soxkt’s shoulder, loosening him from the tight ball he was starting to curl into. “Look alive, kid! You ain’t dead yet. Nothing to get spooked over if he says it ain’t. Right?” The look he shot Shin was answer enough to a growing question the gunman was about to ask. He bit his tongue and took another drink with a grimace. Sewage water.

“Um...you said something earlier…” Soxkt seemed to struggle to steady himself against some unseen force as he kept his eyes locked onto Shin’s. “You said something... I need to clarify.”

Drifter and Shin glanced at one another. “What’s up, kid?”

Shin nodded once. “Go on. Speak freely.”

Soxkt opened his mouth once and then shut it, looking down at his hands. Though they fidgeted, they couldn’t seem to form any words, leaving his mouth to stammer with uncertainty. “Y-you know...about...u-us then, don’t you? You mentioned our...s-secrecy...” When Shin did not twitch a single muscle, his face remaining an impassive force, Soxkt began to lose composure, a flush creeping up from his neck. “You know...Drifter and I...and that we are….guh…” Soxkt’s head fell forward, obscuring his mortified and embarrassed expression from Shin who simply turned his look to Drifter.

“Funny. Is he always like this about you two?”

“Yeah. Part of the package.” Drifter replied, rubbing Soxkt’s back comfortingly, entirely nonplussed by his lover’s miniature meltdown.

“Interesting.” Shin rested his unshaved cheek in his hand. “I know you were late to the Drifter’s game but since your arrival, you continue to draw eyes, respect, and ire. You are a Dredgen. You are to become a Reckoner. Yet you do not intermingle with those that carry those names so as to continue to fall in the Vanguard’s good graces. To be frank, I think that portion of your game is much more dangerous and exhausting than whatever the two of you are doing in your private time.”

Shin emptied his glass with considerable concentration, grinding his teeth against the burn. “That’s what I know about your ‘us’ officially.” He rasped. “Anything else I know, consider already forgotten.”  
Soxkt didn’t lift his head, curling against the Drifter’s side. “Why am I not...reassured?” He said softly, voice still strained with his embarrassment.

Drifter’s smile was a show of teeth for Shin alone. “‘Cause he’s telling us he knows we’re foolin’ around but he don’t got any buyer’s for that kinda gossip so we’re in the clear...for now.”

Shin responded with a rare smirk, not falling for the bait laid out before him. “You’re only mad I never mentioned my knowledge before tonight. That was for your benefit, I should note.”

Soxkt’s head raised slightly, curiosity taking over for his pride. “...Really?”

Shin nodded. “Drifter’s good at taking his missteps in stride. I’m sure he would’ve let you think all night that I was always in the know.”

Drifter shrugged, keeping his face stiff to avoid betraying a single twitch of stray emotion, though his hand did move to creep over Soxkt’s shoulder and hold him close with a vice grip. “Drifter can only keep so many plates spinnin’. Not like I gotta put up with you any more after tonight anyways. If you wanna be cocky you figured out a whole lotta nothin’, fine by me, just keep your nose clean.”

“I will continue to do so.” Shin passed his smile to Soxkt where it softened when the Guardian couldn’t look him in the eye. “I don’t pass my judgment onto you, Soxkt, if that’s where your nerves about this situation lie.”

“It's not that. I-I’m not used to...it being a known fact. Even my clan...knows bits and pieces only.”

“Fair. But I know the secrecy is at least partially because of the judgment it would bring on you both.” 

“You know...that wouldn’t stop me either way.” Soxkt rested his head against the Drifter’s shoulder. “I’m happy with my choices...even if I’m scared of where they walk me. I know...my intentions are good. I am...good. And if I do not let myself be led by others, I will be okay.” 

The silence that followed the statement was accompanied by two sets of very wide eyes. Soxkt straightened himself immediately, pulling away from the Drifter’s arm, rubbing at the back of his head anxiously. “Heh, sorry. It’s a new...outlook for me. Feels funny to say out loud. Probably sound...ridiculous.”

“Hmph. Not the kind of outlook most Dredgens carry. I’m surprised to say the least.” Shin reached a leg out, knocking his foot against the Drifter’s knee. “I hope you are aware of your luck with this one, brother.”

Drifter knocked a hand at the boot. “Hey! I pay him well, treat him just right. Ain’t luck keeping him around.”

“What is then?”

Soxkt smirked and it was funny how rapidly his demeanor changed when he did so, rapidly tumbling himself into the portrayal of every arrogant Guardian that flaunted through the system with one grin. “You know, I’m...not so sure after tonight.”

Drifter rounded fast on that response. “Oh ho, really now? Not sure, huh? I sit up here and put guns in your hands-”

“I work hard for those.” Soxkt retorted.

“- I put up with all your crazy Warlock ranting-”

“You like when I talk.”

“- and I gotta deal with you getting like this-” Drifter pinched the still red cheek of Soxkt in between his thumb and forefinger, drawing out a disgruntled whine as he did so. “-every time someone makes eyes at us!”

Soxkt wiggled his face free. “We aren’t exactly a typical ‘us’.”

“Things ain’t ever so simple. That’s another thing with you new Lights. Vanguard got the lot of you addicted to words for things. Everything’s gotta have a name. Titles. Nothing can ever just be!”

“You gave me both of my titles, old man. Stop being a hypocrite.”

“Watch your mouth, brat, or I’ll take you over my knee right now.”

They were both smiling so brazenly at one another and Shin looked down at himself to make sure he hadn’t just vanished straight through the floor with how invisible he had become to them both. He softly cleared his throat and the two stopped their back and forth, grinning gazes moving away from each other.

Soxkt slapped the Drifter’s chest with the back of his hand casually. “He’s much nicer...without company.”

Shin laughed gently through his nose. “Don’t be too strict with him. I’m sure he’ll be your sweetheart again once I make my leave. His walls are up for good reason.” Something about those words made Soxkt’s face twitch and his brow darken but he didn’t push it any further. The gunman figured the gloves would never come off when handling him. It was a sentiment he was used to.

“I’ll tell you this at least.” He continued. “You’ve done a number on him in your time together. I know old dogs can learn new tricks but this right here is miles away from what I’ve ever seen in him.”

“Watch it; pretendin’ like you know me won’t get you too far.” Drifter warned, pointing an accusing finger, but Shin waved him off with an eye roll.

“Forgive him for tonight. I’m not sure what you see that’s got you in his hand so tightly but he’s still the same man he’s always been, just one less skeleton in his closet now.” Shin sipped politely from his cup. “Still just as handsome as well. I’m sure that’s part of the appeal for you.”

Drifter groaned, swiping a hand over his face. “Easy cowboy.” Even so, Shin caught the curved corner of his mouth trying to hide against his palm.

Soxkt laughed gently, bright and sparkling. He glanced at Drifter with a school boy’s shyness even as he addressed Shin. “I-I don’t even know what you mean.” He murmured, red faced with relief and joy. It was a lie but one the gunman didn’t mind for a moment. The Guardian was sweet in his modesty.

Shin grinned, tipping his glass towards them both. “Come on now. You can’t hold it over a brother forever, keeping secrets to protect loved ones. He’s a scumbag but the man loves you to pieces, I don’t think he even knows what he’d without you in his-“

He stopped short. Soxkt’s hand that had been bringing the glass to his mouth had frozen halfway and his face had fallen into a look of sheer shock. He could see the shadows curling and evolving in the whites of the golden eyes.

Shin’s gaze flicked beside him. Drifter was pressing a palm to his forehead now, physically curling in on himself as he hissed between his teeth, eyes squeezed shut. The smile was gone and replaced with gritted teeth.

Shin’s mouth popped open slightly. Oh. They hadn’t- oh. 

“For fucks sake, you old idiot.” Drifter growled deep in his chest.

Soxkt placed his glass down slowly beside him, deliberately. He was staring at Shin with the most openness he had all night. In an instance, any leftover hesitance was gone. How comically fast the heart was willing to turn for a taste of a single word.

“What’re you talking about?” Soxkt asked softly, leaning forward.

Shin pressed harder against the bench at his back. It was futile but he attempted a withdrawal from the conversation anyways. “I don’t think I should make things worse than I already seem to have-”

Soxkt wasn’t ready to hear anything that wasn’t an answer. “D-Did he say something to you? Did he say that? Those words?”

Drifter sighed with frustrated exasperation, turning his anger towards Shin, ignoring his Guardian now looking at him for an answer. “You just can’t keep your goddamn mouth shut, Malphur!” He snapped. “How you haven’t gotten our Ghosts shot to hell and back yet is a fucking miracle with how you blab!”

Shin sat up straight, put on the defensive. “I’m- listen, he was willing to die tonight to see you go free after everything you’ve done still! And after everything you’ve done to ensure he gets out of this system alive, all the work he’s put in, the least you can do is acknowledge that he loves you back-”

Drifter blanched. Soxkt quickly cut in, a flash of panic on his face, stretching a hand out as though to catch Shin’s words before he said them. “W-wait, hold on, I-I’ve never said-!”

Shin couldn’t very well let go of his need to be vindicated now so he turned on to Soxkt who flinched back at his boldness.“Why are YOU surprised? You know what he’s done for you, what he’s been doing for you! You could not possibly be actually surprised that he...that you both...”

Shin looked between the two men. They sat like angry scolded children, looking in their empty cups for safety or a way to hide. Shin clapped a hand to his forehead in bewilderment.

“...How have you managed in your limited time to create such a worthless game, Drifter?”

“Can it. You got no right lecturin’ me.”

“I am not singling you out. You are both too old for this.” Shin deflated, rubbing at his brow. How fast this had sobered him. He could hardly bear the immediate tension in the room as the two across from him refused to look at one another despite the obvious desperate desire to. It was sickening. Shin reached for the bottle and refilled his drink quickly, grateful for the rotten taste briefly drawing his attention away as he knocked it back.

His Ghost appeared above his palm as it outstretched, his empty cup clattering beside him. “I think this is about time I make my leave now anyways.” Both heads shot up to stare at him with enough hostility to pull a final smirk across his face. “Easy there, brothers. I know when I’ve overstayed a welcome. And, frankly, I prefer leaving like this.” Despite his efforts, his gaze softened on the two men. “Gotta admit. It was...nice. I understand the appeal a little more of indulging.”

Shin looked at Drifter, silently waiting for permission to leave despite his hasty exit. The Drifter watched him, fluctuating between a lot more than he bargained for. Eventually, though, he nodded. “See you on the other side.”

“If we’re lucky.” Shin nodded at Soxkt. “I’ll be watching. Not as means to eventually pass judgment but out of interest. And hope.” Shin’s smile returned in brighter force. “Goodnight, gentlemen. I hope you’ll find your strength in each other.”

And in a rush of space blinking in on itself, Shin was gone, his stool left empty, the mote beside him vanished as well. A drop of amber rolled off the lip of his glass and plinked to the floor. Two sets of eyes followed it before staring again at the empty spot, suffocating in the silence it brought with, the cold from outside seeping in more with each silent passing moment. Nothing else was coming to save the two men from this moment. They knew it. And eventually, waiting was no longer something they could excuse.

“I suppose that is my cue.” Soxkt shuffled his way to the edge of the bed’s edge, sliding his glass along the wood of the work bench. His movements were quick as he stood and began to grab for his jacket.

Drifter was slow on the uptake, still dealing with the residual feelings of the unprecedented outburst they had both shared and the new gap in his future but the lack of warmth beside him cued him back into the present. “Huh? Hey, where ya headed?” He said quickly, following on to his feet as Soxkt began to shuffle his way past.

“Home. Where else?” The Guardian tried to move past with the momentum he had generated with his own racing, anxious heart.

Drifter quickly dropped his glass beside the second one and pushed himself into Soxkt’s space, hands raised in surrender as he did earlier that night, trying to calm the storm brewing inside. “Whoa there! Cool your jets, slick. No need to go screamin’ outta here.” He rubbed a hand over Soxkt’s forehead as though checking a fever, squinting at him like he was miles away instead of nearly chest to chest. “I know your head ain’t screwed on right still. I don’t like you leavin’ me when you’re out of sorts”

“That didn’t make my head much better.” Soxkt snapped his arms through the sleeves of his jacket, trying to ignore how soft the heat of the Drifter’s chest was so close to him or the fingers pushing back his bangs with such a strange tenderness.

“Sure but, look, just sit back down and we can do...”

“Do what?” Soxkt asked breathlessly.

Drifter hesitated. “I-I don’t know, Starlight, but-”

“Do what?”

“Do something, damnit! Something right!”

They watched each other in the tight space they had made. The sting of past arguments, fights buried under promises to not speak of them again, declarations written off as alcoholic imbibing, all of it rose sharply to the surface. Soxkt’s fingers twitched against his forearm where a pale, hardly noticeable scar itched. It was a barely visible scar compared to the greater expanse of what his chest and mouth bore and yet in times like this, it seemed as prominent in his mind as the threat of the Darkness out in the edges of the universe. Small things suddenly became so important and capable of pulling at his thoughts when he was frightened. Nothing ever as healed as it should and he was proof of that.

The last time that word, the “L” word as childish as it was to paint it as such, had been dangled between them, it was done so with cruelty, with harshness. It was swung with the bloody intent to win a fight no one would be able to win in the end. Even when things healed between them, pushed back together by fear and loneliness, that word was never brought up again. Hearing Shin toss it between them like it was not a live grenade made it plain how ridiculous this skirting around the subject had become. Even if they always patched up the holes they made, the cracks still spidered out further than they could catch, leaking things that shouldn’t be let to water the soil, leaving feelings to grow where they shouldn’t…

Soxkt zipped the front of his jacket and turned on his heel, trudging his way out of the shipping crate and across the snow.

Drifter watched him walk away as he had done a hundred times by now at least, staring at that worn brown leather collect drops of dewy snow, feet plastered to the floor, unmoving. When he broke his stasis and followed, he did it far too late to be forgivable, but desperation gave way to speed, a burst of Light he hadn’t utilized in so long, and he was on the deck in an instant, taking Soxkt’s shoulder in his palm, stopping his outstretched hand from calling his Ghost.

“Soxkt, baby, wait, just wait a goddamn second…” Drifter spun the Guardian to face him and tried to cup his face in his hands but Soxkt flinched back like the rogue’s touch burned with solar. Drifter couldn’t bear to push his fingers through the hurt so close to the surface of his skin and he pulled away.

“Please don’t do this, Drifter, not tonight, I can’t…” He muttered, pushing his hands away from where they still hovered in hope.

Drifter spoke fast like a mantra he clung to. “Nothing’s gotta be different now, nothing’s changed, we don’t gotta lose our heads over this-”

“You pulled me back to lie to me?” Soxkt didn’t know how he managed to sound so angry when he couldn’t feel a thing inside.

Drifter winced with his own pain too near the surface and raised his hands for the third time that night in surrender. How many times was he going to prostrate himself before this young god tonight, this immortal killing machine with a beating heart, before he could find forgiveness for all the ugly words he kept on saying? He sucked in air through his gritted teeth. “...You’re right, you’re right. We said we’re done with that. You’re preaching to the choir, alright? I hear ya…” Drifter gulped. Tried again. “If you leave now, it ain’t gonna get any better you know.”

“It won’t hurt though.”

“So you ain’t hurt now then?”

Soxkt laughed and the sound broke in the center like it was painful to do. “It always hurts. What does it matter? Just let me go.” He turned his head and told the cold, empty portal that led Guardians into the Haul during the day.

Drifter slid an inch closer while his Guardian’s gaze was drawn away. “Oh, I know that ain’t right. I know...I know more often than not it doesn’t hurt. It feels good, maybe even more than good. And that’s way scarier than it hurting. Trust.”

Soxkt knew he was crying, like he was watching himself from the other side of that portal in disgust. He could feel his own body betray him, the pressure in his throat like a hand wrapped tight with none of the trust it would let go in time. The heat behind his eyes and the way the world begins to distort behind a watery film made him feel sick. Was this part of being a better person? Feeling like this in front of a man he respected and admired and followed? They had said they would try to be done with their games but Soxkt couldn’t shake the feeling he was losing all over again. 

He opened his mouth to say something back, say something about how of course feeling good was worse than the hurt. Because hurting meant you were finally receiving some comeuppance and feeling good was just a funny trick the Traveler liked to play on bad folk. He only made a mangled, raw noise that didn’t travel far before he clenched his jaw so tight he swore he could hear it almost pop out of place from the force.

“Hey...hey…” Drifter reached out and held his hands like he didn’t know what to do with them now that he caught them, like they were too big to handle something so dangerous. Soxkt mistook their trembling for restlessness. “Baby, look at me. Just look at me. Please.”

Soxkt shook his head, stubbornly keeping his neck bowed, watching his tears fall between them and land on the back of the Drifter’s hands. Gods, he had wanted him to say please to him like that so badly for so long, as though that was what was missing between them. Like if he could drive Drifter to the point Orin once did so long ago, he could know that he won. But he knew he hadn’t yet. Because the problem wasn’t the Drifter, it wasn’t Orin, it was him.

Drifter’s hands had found their place finally, holding onto Soxkt’s so tightly. It was all he could see. Everything had blurred to watercolor in his teary gaze.

“Honey…” Drifter’s thumbs ran over the tops of his hands, like he was rubbing away years of stain, making him clean again slowly but surely. He kept repeating that sweet name over and over, just standing there, clutching his hands. Soxkt didn’t budge. He hardly let himself breathe, losing himself in the viscous waves of feelings that sweet name pulled him into.

Until finally the rogue said something different. 

“Honey...you know he wasn’t lyin’. Right? You don’t gotta play with me. I know you know. It’s okay.” Drifter’s hands stopped their rubbing and he breathed in like a dying man.

“I-I don’t know.” Soxkt rasped in response. “We’re...we’re liars. Good liars. Even when we try not to be.” Maybe they weren’t bad men anymore in his eyes but maybe Drifter was right; some things just couldn’t change.

Drifter was quiet at that until he gave a single laugh. “Yeah. You’re right. And you know who are the biggest chumps for our bullshit?”

“Everyone?”

“Ourselves.” Drifter pulled a hand away and Soxkt could see through his lashes it rose to rub at his mouth. “There’s a lot I’m not willin’ to admit. There’s a lotta lies that keep me toasty warm at night, keep me safe. A whole mess of them are probably more true than I ever wanna say. But...if you go now, this...this is gonna just wind up another memory. I don’t need any more of those. I need this, whatever this is, to stay in the now.”

Soxkt could hear his heart in his ears. “Do you know what you’re saying with things like that?” His mouth was going numb. Gods above, he hated his own voice, he hated talking, but it was a small price to pay especially as Drifter’s hand came back to squeeze at his fingers.

“I’m only sayin’ what I always been sayin’; nothing’s real except what I can see with my eyes, what I can touch.” Drifter was whispering like if he ground his words down so sharp and quiet, they could rip right through him and make him understand. “And...fuck, Soxkt, I look at you enough to know these eyes aren’t goin’ yet. And you feel real as any gun to these hands. So… I ain’t got much but...it’s yours... if you want it.”

Soxkt’s selfish sadness shriveled up within him like a prune. He lifted his gaze inch by inch. Drifter was waiting for him when he finally met his eyes. Soxkt still couldn’t look at him straight on so he spoke to his neck and the sliver of pale skin there. He spoke quiet but fast, like he felt the window closing, panic a more familiar friend than relief. “Nothings going to change between us if we...I mean, unless you want-”

“I know, I know. I don’t want change.”

“I’m not...I’m not ever going to-”

“I know. I don’t need any promises from you on anything either.” Drifter lifted their tangled hands, pressing them to his chest. He was so warm, so alive in how he shook.

Soxkt swallowed. “This is dangerous.”

Drifter’s laugh was empty. “Add it to the tally. So are Hive gods and aliens who take our Light and ladies who keep dragons in their broken cities and men with guns who decide what’s right and wrong. Ain’t we still kickin’, for better or worse anyways? It’s only gonna get more dangerous here on. And I need what I always needed; it’s surviving all the way down. Maybe I’m just willing to pay the price for it now.”

The Guardian could feel the proverbial cliff’s edge and he toed the rocky surface of his mind, testing the empty space that dropped far beyond what his third eye could see. “...You hold what’s mine if I take what’s yours.” He didn’t even mean to say it aloud. The words came from a part of him that hadn’t woken in a long time.

Drifter startled slightly and then laughed, a real one this time, and Soxkt risked his heart’s safety by peeking at his smile. “Heh, well, look at you. Throwing my words back in my face like that. Punk. You always got somethin’ smart to say with that mouth.” Drifter smirked at him so bravely, like this whole conversation was just another game he was winning and Soxkt almost laughed himself. Where did the fear begin and the recklessness start in his heart? It all felt the same; like Light, like something more than themselves living between them.

Soxkt pulled himself to the surface of his mind, breaking the tension like glass and raised his head, no longer adrift in his mind but firmly on in this system, this universe, this ship with this man. Drifter was staring at him, blue eyes a beacon towards home. He wasn’t smiling anymore even though happiness seemed to breathe under his skin. 

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Go on and say it. I know you want to. It’s alright. I...I want you to too.”

Permission. It wasn’t another test or trick question. It wasn’t another carefully constructed plan. It wasn’t another thinly veiled threat. It was permission with open arms, wanting and willing. Soxkt knew that now. He could read him. He could always read him. It was just only now he let himself do as much.

“Are you sure?”

“Promise. I’ll catch ya.”

Soxkt said it loud enough the peering walls of the Derelict could listen without straining and the walls around his lover’s heart couldn’t mishear it. There was no more room for purposeful misunderstandings or second guessing. Not anymore.

“I love you.”

Sure as the promise he made, Drifter’s arms were around him, holding him so tight, catching him as he plummeted. Soxkt’s feet hadn’t left the ground and he hadn’t even more than an inch forward but he was falling, falling straight down, and there was light and there was dark in the fall but most importantly, there was him and he wasn’t alone. Soxkt clung to the Drifter’s back. He knew he was holding too tight, enough to leave fingerprint size bruises but he couldn’t let go. Not yet.

“I...I know. I know you do. Oh baby, I know.” The Drifter’s shoulders shook and he could hardly maintain his wavering voice. “You do. Of course you do. All the stars, how the hell are we so stupid? Don’t-don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.”

The Drifter’s arms locked tight and Soxkt’s feet did leave the deck as Drifter spun them both in a tight circle, dissolving into peaks of relieved laughter. It was so loud in this empty ship now and Soxkt didn’t know if it was from the Drifter laughing or himself laughing or the blood rushing in his head or himself crying or the universe ripping itself asunder to accommodate the destruction they would bring with their choices tonight.

“I love you so much. All of you. Even the parts I shouldn’t.” Soxkt spoke into the crook of his neck, letting his lips brush against him with every word, murmuring them directly into his skin.

“Especially the parts you shouldn’t. You got dangerous tastes.” Drifter let Soxkt’s feet touch the floor again but they didn’t let go of each other just yet. There was still so much more distance to fall.

“You never gave me a chance to not love you.” Soxkt shut his eyes. “And you love me. You love me. I know you do.”

Soxkt didn’t know the fall the Drifter was taking. He couldn’t even begin to fathom what the drop must be like. Soxkt carried things older than him but what Drifter had was grown in him, rooted deep to his bones. He could feel the quaking breath the older man took and the way his muscles locked around him. “I...I suppose you’re right. I guess I do.” Noncommittal and jittery and lukewarm but it was a start. Drifter allowed just an inch to split them apart as he pressed his forehead against Soxkt’s to look at him as clear as he could. “I can’t start promising you it’s the right kinda... love I got. It’s probably as busted up as me and this ship and everything else I seem to touch. But whatever it is, you got it. It belongs to you now.” Drifter’s smile lit up his eyes in the dim dark. “I don’t think you’re gonna give it back either.”

“Nope.”

“Figures. You greedy jerk.”

Soxkt took the back of his head and pulled their mouths together, kissing him like he always dreamed of doing. Taking over the Drifter’s mouth slow, pushing his lips apart inch by inch, drinking slow and deep from him. He might have called it conquest once but now it was no word that had been invented just yet. He kissed the Drifter with the intent to find that word, to carve it into his screaming Light, to fill his life with the sound it made rolling off his tongue.

And coward though he was, the terrified Drifter let him search.


End file.
